Love, Intimacy, and Islam

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Love, Intimacy and Islam

"We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far."

-H.P Lovecraft (Call of Cthulhu - 1926) 

 Love.

It's quite personal, isn't it? Deep down, we all desire it. We all crave it. It's a sort of warmth that keeps you alive and going. The Greek philosopher Aristotle identified motion with life - if it moves, it lives - and so Love is to your heart what energy is to your body.

Without it, it's just a motionless corpse.

But Love is strange. We just can't put our finger on what it is exactly. There are so many situations, so many types, so many emotions. We know it when we feel it, and it's a sublime feeling that simply cannot be put into words. 

It's a universal phenomenon that man cannot escape. It seeps into all our thoughts and aspirations, and even the cold personality - drained of emotional vitality - is simply just a reaction to, or even an extension of, the desire for love, and the desire of love. 

Those who hold a cynic perspective towards life ('no point of trying', 'loving is useless', 'people are fake') betray a sense of defeat, a sort of psychological retreat. They long to love, but hold themselves back due to fear, generally due to some past pain they had experienced. Sometimes they know this, sometimes they are too entrenched in delusion. 

Knowing this, it is then easier to asses the current 'War on Love' that is occurring in our Post-modern era.

The 'War on Love'

On a societal level, one of the deepest form of separation is actually between the two genders. Feminists like Judith Butler argue that Gender does not exist, but basic observation proves that such an idea is quite absurd

Your gender has a profound effect on your perception of life, naturally, because it has such a big impact on your biology and psychology. Though, being a member of one gender means that the perspective of the other gender is closed off from you. 

Men can't know what it feels to be a woman, and Women can't know what it feels to be a man. 

As such, there will always remain a sense of tension between the two. With proper communication, this tension can be healthy and a loving relationship can foster.

However, when both sides speak past each other, only willing to acknowledge the fault of the other, then this tension becomes unhealthy. In other words, the separation turns into suspicion and resentment.

Men complain that women are superficial and disloyal, whilst women complain that men are fickle, insecure, and domineering. People have genuine pain, genuine grievances, and genuine frustrations, but they are not being addressed in the correct way. 

Due to the nature of society - power-hungry, money-hungry, individualistic - immorality has spread to the very roots of civilisation. The philosopher Alasdair Macintyre had famously developed this critique in his book 'After Virtue', where he argues that the West is no longer capable of producing genuine morals. 

This immorality is the main cause of most of our societal problems. These problems, naturally, affect people's mental wellbeing - causing a massive spike in depression, loneliness, and purposelessness, with its correlating drop in fulfilment, happiness, and contentment.  

People want answers. Modern psychology thus responded that the problem (and thus its solution as well) lies in man himself, his parents, and his childhood. 

The mind fears this uncertainty. It cannot access the mind of the other gender, it cannot control it, it cannot predict it. As a result, it senses instability and unpredictability. 

Terrified of the chaos, the mind closes in. It chooses to revel in its own inner comfort, rather than face the unknown. Thus, it suffices with convenient narratives like 'All men are pigs' and 'All women are superficial' to justify this mentality. 

Hence, we are left with a warped concept of 'self-development' - where people dive into themselves and cut off any emotional connection.

However, as is clear to the reader, this is all born of fear. 

In response to Loneliness, the mind yearns to connect with the other gender. Though, this endeavour can, at times, be painful and unpredictable. So, the mind represses this innate urge to connect out of fear of pain or rejection.

The problem is that this repression only intensifies feelings of loneliness 

On the one hand, men force themselves into a 'Pseudo - Stoic' mindset  where they distance themselves from emotional presence. To love a woman is to surrender himself to her, a vulnerability that he cannot tolerate

The popularity of this attitude towards emotions has only worsened the crisis of loneliness that has affected men. They are taught to deny their feelings, and that love is weakness.  

On the other hand, women force themselves into an 'Girl-Boss' mindset where they feel like they can live without a partner because 'all men are pigs'. Feminist philosophy tends to be quite hostile to love, viewing it simply as a power-dynamic for the man to get what he wants (sex, to put it frankly).

This skewed mentality affects women later on in life, when they no longer have the beauty and energy of youth, nor the attention that comes along with it. 

Unsurprisingly then, it is common amongst Feminist writers to die alone, regret their decision when they see other families, or suddenly become more appreciative and loving towards their husbands.

So we can summarise the situation into two principles:

(i) People are suspicious, and at times resentful, of the opposite gender. 

(ii) People tend to view themselves as whole individuals, with no need for a partner. 

As you can tell, not very good grounds to nurture a loving relationship. These attitudes are inauthentic and destructive. We need a better solution.

Muslim Philosophy of Love

Love is one of those very vivid aspects of our life that cannot be ignored. To talk of love and intimacy may be considered slightly taboo amongst the scholarly community, seeing as it isn't really linked to worship or anything like that.

But our religion is far deeper than just worship. Our goal here at Rational Islam is to explore the idea of Islam as a lived experience. 

I was driven to reflect on topics like this by my own personal experiences. Whether it be love, or other profound emotions - such as the grief of losing a friend - it all opened my mind towards the deep wisdom Islam has to offer for our life. 

Having shaken off the Academic mindset, I was able to truly appreciate the wealth of works dedicated to ethical psychology as pioneered by thinkers like Al-Farabi, Raghib al-Asfahani, and Ibn Khaldun.

My first experience with this topic was when I read Kitab al-Mahabba (Book of Love, Longing, Intimacy and Contentment) by Imam al-Ghazali, which was one chapter from his voluminous Ihya Ulum ad-Din (Revival of the Religious Sciences). In there he explores the nature of human affection in detail, before ultimately tying it all back to the love of Allah ﷻ in the end. 

From there, I had thought that the Islamic discourse on love was limited to the works of the Sufis (of whom Imam al-Ghazali was a chief exponent). That is, until I came across Tawq al-Hamamah (Ring of the Dove) written by Andalusian scholar Ibn Hazm, which was influential even in Western Christian circles.

Islam does not shy away from human nature.

Humanity has lost the ability to love truly. 

We tend to reduce it to lust, material commitments - such as spending time, giving gifts etc - or just another emotion that appears in powerful vigour, but then fades slowly (in other words, its just a physical aspect of the human experience with no genuine value). 

It may be true that these can form a part of the experience of love, but it is definitely not true that these things is all that love has to offer. Love is not sex. It is far deeper.

In buying into these cynical simplifications, we miss the bigger picture. Our pain, our fear, our ego prevents us from gazing into the profound core of what love is. Instead, a true understanding awakens the realisation that it connects us with the greater Universe, wrapping us intimately with the Divine Vision of our Creator. 

Life is experience of God, and Love is one of the most soul-touching ways to experience that connection. 

To deny love is to deny humanity. Without it, your heart is just a motionless corpse.

This all gives us ample material to realise that we must restructure our understanding of love. It is not just an emotion, it is not sexual passion, it is not power-dynamics.

Instead, it is anchored in something far deeper. A profound reality that modern psychology can never comprehend and one that science will never grasp. 

It is felt within. You know it when you feel it. 

Is that not that the purpose of love?

The Problem of Loneliness

The German thinker Arthur Schopenhauer - known as the 'Darkest philosopher in history' - writes:

"We are like lambs in a field, disporting themselves under the eye of the butcher, who chooses out first one and then another for his prey. So it is that in our good days we are all unconscious of the evil fate may have presently in store for us - sickness, poverty, mutilation, loss of sight or reason ... No little part of the torment of existence lies in this, that Time is continually pressing upon us, never letting us take breath, but always coming after us, like a taskmaster with a whip. If at any moment Time stays his hand, it is only when we are delivered over to the misery of boredom... Nay, from this point of view, we might well consider the proper form of address to be, not Monsieur, Sir, mein Herr, but My fellow-sufferer, Soci malorum, compagnon de miseres!" 

 

The starting point for our discussion lies in the concept of 'Loneliness'. 

I don't mean this in the normal sense, where someone feels alone and misunderstood, feeling as though they lack deep emotional connection with anyone, regardless of how many friends they may have. 

Here, we are talking about something much deeper. To differentiate it, philosophers may give it the name 'Ontological Loneliness'. It's a big word, but it's not difficult to understand. 

Its the realisation of being 'Alive in a lifeless world'.

You are conscious. You have feelings. You are not only aware of the world around you, but also self-aware. Though, a question will always bother humanity: 

Are others aware of us? 

For those who are not interested in philosophy, the answer seems rather obvious and self-explanatory. But I want you to think past your common-sense and assumptions.

Ask yourself: Can I read someone's mind?  How do people truly feel about me? Will I ever really know? 

The French existentialist philosopher Albert Camus termed this contrast between our own inner comfort - we can control and understand our own thoughts - and the chaos and unpredictability of the external world as 'Alienation'. 

You are different from the world around you in a way that is uncomfortably lonely.

To understand this, know that there are levels to this alienation. 

(i) The Physical level

This is the most basic form. You are conscious and alive, but the world around you is not. Nature does not care about you. Tornadoes and Tsunamis rip away life without a shred of guilt. All of our pain, all of our joy, all of our memories fade into dust - a mere nothing amongst the cold, lifeless world of 'pitiless indifference' as Richard Dawkins would famously put it.

It is the loneliness we feel gazing out into the black night sky, wondering if the beautiful stars were really eyes staring back at us. Or if we have been condemned to an eternal nothingness amongst a lifeless Universe that does not care.

(ii) The Emotional Level

Only you are aware of your own thoughts. No one else can feel your pain, no one else shares your happiness. Struggle and joy alike are lonely experiences. You cannot tap into another person's mind, and they cannot do so to you. Do they truly appreciate you?

Life is solitary. We yearn to connect, we want comfort, we want stability. But we are left to face all of that on our own. People seem to like us. They do us favours, they smile in our direction. But can you really see beyond their eyes?

In the age of A.I, the boundaries between life and lifeless have blurred significantly. They act like humans, talk like humans, imitate emotional behaviour like humans. But behind the mask lies no life, no consciousness, no feeling. Just as the vast ocean couldn't care less of your insignificance, so does AI. 

In philosophy, this is known as the 'Problem of Other Minds'. 

You have no way of proving that others are alive in the same way you are. You are left with this self-awareness, and you are left to face life all alone. Does anyone really care? 

(iii) The Personal level

This is the deepest form of alienation.

How sure are you regarding your own self? Amongst the changing desires and habits, where is this thing you can call your 'self'? Emotions appear and disintegrate, attachments build and fade, passions fire up and fizzle out. There is no stability, no constant, no solid ground. 

Yet you feel that you are one whole individual. It's an intrinsic thought that's hard to deny. But ask yourself one question:

How much do you know yourself really? 

The famous Author - whose works began the genre of Cosmic Horror - H.P Lovecraft famously stated:

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown."

Humanity craves control. It craves stability. It craves comfort. 

And there is no control, stability, or comfort in what remains unknown - lurking in the shadows just beyond the reach of the fire. 

This is why the mind fears alienation so much. We are left with a dilemma. We cannot simply repress this fear, as doing so will only strengthen it. 

Science, as an endeavour, was powered by the desire to disprove Heraclitus' theory that there is nothing constant, stable, or grounded within the Universe. It initially found comfort in the mechanistic theories of Aristotle and, later, Isaac Newton. However, as it developed, it only worked to further confirm and strengthen the position of Heraclitus. There is no constant. Just a dynamic flux of energy. 

On the other hand, we cannot simply accept defeat. The Sociologist Max Weber critiqued this depressive tendency of German philosophers as it led to isolation between individuals. 

So, if we cannot repress Alienation, nor can we accept it, what are we to do?

Are we condemned with loneliness? 

The Islamic Solution

A recurring theme in the Quran is the word 'غيب' (pronounced 'Ghayb'), which means the 'Unknown' - that which remains hidden from mankind. 

Most commentators explain that this refers to the 'Unseen Realities' like Angels, Heaven and Hell, the Djinn etc. Ibn Kathir mentions that the Mufassireen (Scholars of tafsir) have multiple interpretations and that they are all correct and do not contradict one another.

He also points that the Quran praises he who puts his faith in the 'ghayb', and that few other verses also connect this faith with fear of Allah ﷻ. The clearest example is:

(من خشي الرحمان بالغيب)

-Quran (50:33)

We can understand this idea in light of the broader Quranic teaching regarding Destiny.

Allama Iqbaal explains that Islam's perspective on this issue serves two purposes;

(i) Encouraging individual responsibility and moral growth

(ii) Reminding mankind that their life is tied to a greater purpose. This allows them to relax, knowing that everything is in the hands of a Being far more powerful, far more loving, and far more wise than themselves. 

These two perspectives mix together into an empowering teaching that encourages man to let go and be guided by the flow of life. He will do everything within his own capacity, and leave the rest to Allah ﷻ. 

The 'ghayb', then, refers to all things that mankind has no mastery over. Perhaps it may be realities that reason cannot understand, or events that we cannot control. 

The Quran encourages man to embrace the Unknown, and avoid retreating away from the uncertainty of life. Man desires stability, but in a world of chaos that ideal is practically impossible. Instead, Allah ﷻ becomes our anchor as we open up the shell and step into the Unpredictable. 

(قل لن يصيبنا الا ما كتب الله لن هو مولانا و على الله فليتوكل المؤمنون)

Say: "Nothing will ever befall us except what Allah has destined for us. He is our Protector." And upon Allah let the Believers rely. (Quran 9:51)

The Horizon of Being

Death has two characteristics:

(i) Undeniable

We cannot run. We cannot hide. All souls shall taste death.

(ii) Imminent

Death could arrive at any moment. The span of our life is uncertain, we don't know where the end is. We can't predict the arrival of death. We cannot delay it. It will arrive by its own accord, and there is nothing we can do to stop it.

The German philosopher Martin Heidegger integrated this imminence of death into his thought, and developed its moral significance. He argued that death is the loneliest experience, something each person will have to face his own. No one will help him, no can support him. It therefore reveals the solitary nature of life as a whole.

Mankind can be described as 'Being-unto-Death'. We live to die.

He does not intend this in a depressive way - as though we should live isolated from one another. Instead, he means that in the same way that death is uniquely mine, my life is also uniquely mine. 

He has opened up the 'Horizon of Being.'

Upon realising that I will die alone, I will lose all motivation to live like the crowd. I will discover my own existence and live my own life. I will not do as 'they' do, but do as 'I' wish. This is 'authentic' being, allowing for true and genuine self-development. 

'They' will not die for me, so I will not live for 'them'. 

He writes:

If I take Death into my life, acknowledge it, and face it squarely, I will free myself from the anxiety of death, and the pettiness of life - and only then will I be free to be myself.

Henry Corbin, a French philosopher, took this idea and interpreted it in light of the works of Muslim thinkers - like Mulla Sadra and Ibn Arabi - and transformed it into 'Being-Beyond-Death'. 

Death is not the end. We live for a reality far greater. 

Ibn Sina - known famously as 'The Father of Modern Medicine' - argued that humanity's perfection lies not in pleasure and happiness, but moral virtue. This lies beyond the mere physical. Instead, it is attached to the Soul, and it is after death that we truly taste the fruits.

Therefore, alienation is not something terrifying, but empowering.

It opens up a horizon of opportunities. Islam encourages self-development and authentic growth - called Tazkiyah in Quranic terminology - and pushes man to live with a present attitude. Appreciate the beauty of existence, and allow gratitude to flow through your veins. Value the spiritual over the material, and experience the moment. 

Death could come at any moment, so live life to its fullest.  

Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards.

-Soren Kierkegaard

Islam and 'Soulmates'

A common question that many people have is: 'Does Islam believe in the idea of Soulmates?'

Well, the answer is yes and no. 

The Quran states: 

(يريد الله ان يخفف عنكم و خلق الانسان ضعيفا)

Allah only intends to lighten your burdens, and Humanity has been created weak.

In his excellent commentary Bayaan al-Quran, Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanwi explains that Allah ﷻ has created Shariah for man's benefit - not to harm or trouble him for no reason. As such, it does not expect him to restrain his desires in such a way that he is not capable of doing.

Islam does not shy away from human nature, it redirects it.

Unlike Buddhism which teaches you to deny your 'self' in response to suffering, Islam re-interprets such struggle under a broader aim to gain closeness towards Allah ﷻ, who does not expect you to be perfect.

What is particularly interesting here is the word 'ضعيف'، which means 'weak'. 
Here, many commentators - as reported by Ibn Kathir - mention that this weakness is especially in regards to attraction towards the opposite gender. 

You see, we are not complete, whole individuals. We are dependant on others, dependent on society as a whole. Everyone yearns for attention, and we yearn to give attention. Aristotle once said:

'Man is a social animal.'

We have emotional energy. We desire to use it, and we desire to receive it. This is why solitary confinement is such a destructive punishment,
Going months without eye contact can make you start questioning your own existence. 

Desiring attention from the opposite gender is one powerful form of this dependency. 

The Quran teaches humanity not to rebel against or repress this desire, but to accept it. 

و من اياته ان خلق لكم من انفسكم ازواجا لتسكنوا اليها و جعل بينكم مودة و رحمة

And from amongst His signs is that He has created spouses from amongst you so that you may find comfort in them, and He has placed between you love and compassion.

To understand this, bring your attention to the story of Adam.

After having been created, he was given permission to dwell in the gardens of Paradise with all of its luxuries and delights. Still, he did not yet feel contentment, despite having all that his heart could desire. It was only after Hawa (Eve) was created that he finally found peace.

Even in heaven, he was only happy when he was given a wife.

The Principle of 'Vulnerability'

Many of us live in our heads.

Insecure and lacking a solid emotional ground, we live our life as though we were the centre of everything. This is known as 'Narcissism.' 

Many have the misconception that this applies only to people who are outwardly selfish, uncaring, and always ready to steer the focus towards themselves. However, the real problem - which affects most people - is narcissism as a mentality. 

This is when people tend to be overly-idealistic and quite judgemental. They are always critical of others who do not line up with their personal values or view of the world. Always ready to point the finger, they are hardly ready to look at themselves. 

This is all due to lacking solid, emotional grounds.

Instead, you must live in the moment, engaging each interaction with a Present attitude. Treat each person as their own being and do not be quick to project your own insecurities unto them. 

As you grow and find your true, authentic self, it will be much easier to reach outwards because you are comfortable with your inwards. Thus, you have acquired the skill of 'empathy'. 

You are not needy, you are not broken. Rather, you love others genuinely purely for the sake of loving them, not for your own personal satisfaction. 

As a result, your perspective becomes grounded, your expectations realistic. 

That way, you are able to produce 'authentic' love. 

You embrace the uncertainty of a relationship, ready to go beyond yourself and really look into the eyes of your partner. You are not afraid, you have trust. You are not chasing a projection or a fantasy, but falling for your partner as they truly are. You embrace their faults and appreciate their qualities. 

You complete them, and they complete you. 

You allow this process to occur without unneeded resistance. There is no fear, no anxiety. You open yourself up to a deep sense of vulnerability, letting the other person in. You allow the flow of love to wash over you both, guiding towards a complete unity. As you gaze into their eyes, you feel yourself become one with them. You have embraced the Horizon of love, and closed it for them exclusively. 

The poet Christina Rosetti portrays this reality profoundly when she writes:

For verily love knows not 'mine' or 'thine'

With separate 'I' and 'thou' free love has done

For one is both and both is one in love

Rich love knows nought of 'thine that is not mine'

Both have the strength and both the length thereof

Both of us, of the love which makes one.

But in real life, there is no 'happily ever after'.

There will be problems, and there will be issues. That is the sacrifice of love and its what gives value to your commitment. 

Grounded with trust in Allah ﷻ, the soul embarks on a journey to overcome its fear of the world, its fear of Loneliness. It embraces chaos and dives head first into the Horizon of Being to find itself. It builds itself in order to create a stable base from which it may connect deeply with others. 

It embraces the unpredictability of love and closes the Horizon exclusively for its partner, opening up a sense of vulnerability. They let each other in, completing each other under the unison of Love. From there, they build each other, every struggle gaining meaning in the greater vision towards Divine pleasure.

Love is not sought for pleasure or happiness, but for its deeper significance for the soul. Marriage is an eternal contract, lasting far beyond death. It is an intimate companionship - grounded in Divine Mercy - that should never be separated.

At the centre of it all is Allah ﷻ. It is all by His mercy. It is a gift from amongst His many gifts, and a manifestation of His ever greater compassion for all of us. 

Mufti Shafi Uthmaani writes in his Renowned Quranic commentary Ma'arif al-Quran:

It was, in view, of his weakness and limitations, that he was not only permitted to marry women, but also that he was induced to do so. It goes without saying that the post-marriage life of a couple offers great benefits of mutual self-realisation and most of all they enjoy the blessings of a sight that is untainted and a character that is unalloyed. 

This mutual purity of the couple increases the moral quality of life for both of them, making them strong, self-reliant and happy. So, marriage is a smart mutual contract to remove any chances of weakness that may afflict men and women - a peerless method indeed.

And Allah ﷻ knows best.